Sunday, January 09, 2011

Who's your buddy?

Searching for redemption at the bottom of a glass of watered down Laphroaig probably isn't a particularly unique way of enduring a Sunday night, but you must admit that it has a JJ Cale floating in the air kind of quality about it. I'm writing tonight to fulfill a fairly basic need. The need to feel like one has done something of consequence during the course of the day. Somehow, just laying in bed and binging on those crunchy apples while watching Scrubs re-runs for the 4th time doesn't quite seem to have the same sense of achievement.

So I turn to my most reliable and least used mode of catharsis. Writing. I know I've written time and again about my fear of writing. That inexplicable tightening of the chest whenever I feel like writing but I can't. I begin to get freaked out by the most random of things. The blinking cursor for example, has long been a nemesis of mine. Somehow that periodic flashing of a line just waiting for something intelligent to be said feels like too much pressure. But this time, I have a weapon that I reserve for only the most desperate of situations. Two words to be precise.

Fuck it.

If you're here then you will listen to me ramble. You potentially have trillions of other places that you could be on the information superhighway, but now since you're in my little half-acre, you shall have to endure my tiresome stream of drivel. And my drivel this time... oh fuck it, I have no idea what my drivel will cover this time. So why don't we just both find out.

First of all I'd like to begin by talking about whiskey. Now I know my mother will have a fit when she reads this, but unfortunately it has now turned into my favourite drink. I don't come around to drinking very often, simply because I believe that it is best done with good drinking company (which these days is surprisingly sparse). Ah wait, could it be, could it actually be that I have now hit upon a topic on which I can provide a lengthy discourse without seeming like an over-sensitive multi-syllabic-adjective-using-pseudo-intellectual?

I guess that last sentence has just answered it's own question but let us carry on.

My pointless banter now begs the question... What makes an ideal drinking buddy?

A question of that nature not only warrants intense introspection and in-depth analysis, it also warrants a kudos. To my best drinking buddies of all time. To Pi and Karan. Gentlemen, wherever you are at this moment, I salute you with my 5th scotch for the evening. May we have many more drunken senseless philosophical conversations in the future. I shall now proceed with my discourse that borrows heavily from the live inputs of these fine men.

To be a great drinking buddy you must of course have the following qualities:

  • The ability to match your buddy drink for drink: Look boys, there is nothing more pathetic than having your drinking buddy, your brother, behave like a sissy and give you some sorry ass excuse for why he can't have his 5th drink. And if he's past his fifth drink and then passes up one, then the only reason is that he's about to regurgitate. So the only two outcomes of passing up a drink when you're drinking with a buddy is

    a) Look like a pathetic sissy
    b) Projectile vomiting

    Any friend, who's any kind of friend will want to avoid either scenario. Hence the only alternative that dignity permits is to drink. So suck it up, grit your teeth and give a firm nod the next time your buddy offers you another.

  • The ability to lech appropriately: Now let's get this straight, every man needs to lech. Hell every human being needs to lech. But this needs to be done appropriately. Girls of course can lech at anything and it would never be inappropriate. Girls leching at girls incidentally happens to be one of the few get-out-of-jail-free cards that men ever get from women. Boys, if you ever have a female around you who says some girl who passed by is hot, please consider this your tiny window to vent. But please don't be over-enthusiastic, one appreciative grunt is all you're allowed. But then again, I digress. The point I was trying to make here was simple

    a) Appreciative grunt when your drinking buddy leches: Appropriate
    b) Delhi boy wolf-whistle and Punjabi english: Inappropriate (unless you are Karan Malhotra)

  • The ability to appreciate fine music: Classic rock, Jazz, Blues and Backstreet boys (You are my FIIIIIIRE!). Anything outside this, you cannot find acceptable. Especially that Buddha Bar, Let's-Be-Cool and chill out on low pointless couches while they charge me 800 bucks for a drink nonsense.

  • Short-term memory loss: Do you really want your drinking buddy to come up to you the next morning and tell you that you tried to kiss a bald man's sweaty head while confessing your undying love for anybody who speaks Konkani? No. Incidentally he wasn't Konkani.
So there it is Ladies and Gentlemen. If you've ever been called upon by a buddy to share a drink with them, always remember the 4 tenets of drinking buddies. Drink a lot, lech responsibly, scream woo-hoo whenever "I want it that way" plays and forget about it all.

Thank you and Good Night.

P.S.: I noticed that I had spelled with remarkable accuracy throughout this post. 5 is obviously not the magic number. No.6 pick up those sticks.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are my fire... The one desire

Still dance on it? :P

Akanksha

Anonymous said...

i think i do pretty well in the drinking buddy stakes. that one time i matched you, discussed hot chickadees and even busted out the hot dwog and cwafee accent.

yup. i qualify.

your grammar and spelling are beyond reproach, even when you are "tired and emotional". douche.

mansha

Anonymous said...

WTF? Fine "men"?! I've almost always matched you drink for drink (except for that time I hadn't slept in 48 hours...and thats a good excuse!) I've matched you drink for drink *after* Pi passed out on us without telling us!

You little !*^&@#

Hell, I've even leched at women with you!

Hrumph. Now I'm offended.

- Apar.

Anonymous said...

oh whatever, never mind. :)

I'd take Pinni over you for drinking company any day anyway.

HA!

- Apar.

Kini said...

@AJ

Believe when I say, aaaaaiiii waaant eeet thaaat way! Of course I still dance to it!

@Mansha

You're qualifications were never in doubt. Consider these just guidelines for newbies or the more ignorant folk.

@Apar

I knew you would switch camps and favour Pinni even without provocation. Loyalty commands a huge premium you know. Hence fine men! So HA right back!

Anonymous said...

Pinni DESERVES my loyalty, she'd have put me on that list without me having to complain about it. Jackass.

But fine, when you come visiting, and we've had 5 drinks, and pi's planning to sneak off and sleep, and you want company for a 6th, I'm going to throw this back in your face!

(ahem)

HA!

- Apar.

Jil Jil Ramamani said...

*Binging* on crunchy apples (??!).

What every drinking night needs is a scribe who documents faithfully all the brilliant ideas conceptualized and awesome things said. Theres nothing as sad as all that creativity lost because no one can remember what transpired last night.

tonguesmiley said...

I've found Imran Khan type music to be perfect for such occasions.

 

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