Monday, November 29, 2004

Sushi

well thats the first thing that came to my mind when i tried to describe how my head was feeling.. i write this post exactly 50 mins before my end sem chemistry exam in hope that writing will clear some of the crazy static in my brain. wish these bastards would understand that cramming a crapload of information to study in one semester doesnt really help in the deeper understanding of chemistry. but then again, senile bastards can be that way sometimes...

as i speak heated discussions rage in the corridors of 7th wing..as to how the molecular orbital theory should technically be the most stupid idea on the planet.. and guess what? it works...surprise surprise.. that goes for almost every other mind numbing piece of mathematical bullshit that they try to pass of as the behaviour of materials around us! i dont know whether i'll survive this...but for now i shall have idli sambar and coffee in the mess...(O Joy!)*hangs horns*

Sunday, November 28, 2004

To Live Life

These are the words of the master himself. Henry David Thoreau. And they shall speak for themselves and for me...for this is how i wish to feel for the rest of my existence.

.... I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately,
to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not
learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover
that I had not lived.

I did not wish to live what was not
life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation,
unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck
out all the marrow of life


Amen.

O Me! O Life!

Another poem that i came across that i positively adored. hadn't heard of this whitman chap until recently, but boy can he write. such pertinent questions, such insightful and luminous answers...heck such insight on life.. this is what perspective (the right one is all about). i love the answer.


O ME! O life! of the questions of these recurring,
Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more
faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,
Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,
Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,
The question, O me! so sad, recurring - What good amid these, O me, O life?


Answer.


That you are here - that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.


Walt Whitman

That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. the thought itself makes my skin tingle with inspiration. beauty in words incarnate.

The Road Not Taken

This one is a poem... i've always liked frost. most of you might have read "stopping by the woods on a snowy evening". thats the one that ends with the lines "And miles to go before i sleep".

have always been able to relate to him on a very honest level. just thought it'd be apt to share this one cuz its kinda what i'm wishing i'll say 20 odd years down the line..


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could


To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;


Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.


Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh


Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


Robert Frost

Saturday, November 27, 2004

why is it that time seems to sit on its ass and stare you in the face whenever you're supposed to be doing something responsible?

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Reliance Industries.... talk about oxymorons.

Haiku Of The Dew

here's something i found when i was surfing the net and random blogs.this is supposed to be a haiku, the ancient japanese style of poetry which follows the rule of 5-7-5 syllables in the three lines.

poetry par excellence...keats didnt know what he was talking about.

i drink mountain dew
its yum
its also yellow.

ROTF LMAO...still cant stop laughing!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The Edge

guess all i needed was a makeover(for the blog that is...and no metrosexuality implied(/pun)hil:D) ...and a poem from hil.

i'm back and i needed some therapy for myself, i'm not sure whether i have it yet...but i'm sure leaving this place isnt the answer. but the previous post will remain serving as a reminder to me as to how much it hurt when i tried to leave, writing is my love..but for now i shall say oh whatever...nevermind!

coming back to the topic at hand. i went back home this weekend. was an awesome trip, old memories relived, old friends revisited and family well thats another story altogether..home always seems to welcome me unconditionally, fantastic feeling that i can never really get over. the sights, the sounds and even the smells of such a familiar place like mangalore (i've lived there all my life) are indeed therapy for a supposedly skinny, prematurely balding, neurotic juvenile delinquent like me!

one of the most wild-ass (no other adjective to describe it) trips was the one i made to surathkal. NITK like i said has changed beyond all recognition, but walking among its familiar corridors that played home to me for one year was something that cant really be quantified, beautiful (understatement). meeting friends, pi and barua especially was something that was something i couldnt really stomach in one go..but not in retrospect they were totally awesome to me!(notice the over use of the word awesome in this post):p.

Me: dude, it feels like life called me up and put me on hold.
Pi: its ok let life do it, she's paying the bill.
Me: *therapy attained!*


ok so NITK has this place called "final block" its where all the final years live..and needless to say its the hub of all activity, the core of which is called the "H" wing and the H is completely open to interpretation. i'll have to elaborate on its legend before i proceed, people even go to temples so that their chances of getting a room in final block during the drawing of chits. supposedly its sheen has diminished with some of the crowd with the coming up of 8th block and its sanitised environments, but to me final block will always remain the stuff of legend. as for "h" wing..at the risk of sounding like one of those "orange is the new pink" fashion gurus...i shall say "h is the new g"...cuz before this year "g" wing was the hub of all "activity".

so i go there with pi..who at the risk of sounding cliched and with due apologies to pfunk and the NW gang is "whattaman!". and after a lot of climbing of metaphorical altitudes, we decide to do it literally and climb to the terrace of final block, which is closed unfortunately, but *there's always a but* there's this opening big enough for a man to fit through, so we climb up there and after quite a few rather precarious stunts we get onto a tiny little rainwater ledge, big enough to seat about 6 people.


this place has like the most amazing view, you sit 150 feet in the air, in a boat like ledge, facing a sheer drop onto nothing, its the night, the stars are out and right in front of you is the most amazing view, mangalore has this factory called MRPL and it night its nothing but a huge string of lights strewn perfectly in view of the edge, the lights suspended in the night along with you and your thoughts form the most amazing experience you'll ever know. you cant talk, you cant think, you're just there suspended along with the rest of time. patterns that arent discernable at first shot come whizzing into focus after 5 mins and you finally begin to digest the whole experience (stomach it if you will). patterns like japanese anime like fighter jets, a dead upside down cow, a man with a severed head.. they're all there open for you to see and interpret and there are people you know and like by your side, its another world altogether. awesome...truly.


the trip back and the recovery from it gave me a lot of perspective on life, so did a couple of internet therapy sessions with great pals (M credit to you). i guess i havent lost my way after all. just got sent to a new place, and i needed to find myself again. i dont know if i have yet...but i know i'm getting there! couldnt let go of the blog...i literally had withdrawal symptoms.

current mood:hopeful
Music:"learn to be still" - Eagles

"there are so many contradictions
in all these messages we send
keep askin...how do i get out of here?
where do i fit in?"


i love those lines!

Monday, November 15, 2004

as M put it... the dawn of a new day

lets cut to the chase.
life has moved on...i guess its about time i should too. hil got his own blog and i found out about it 4 months later, NITK life has been recast beyond all recognition, ol' pals are that much more distant. but i guess thats how the cookie crumbles.

couple of good things this blog has given me.. i've learnt to lower my expectations, so life now seems so much better. i'm smiling all the way, and even thought this post may sound dark, i leave here with hope swelling in my chest. the past month has been the best when it comes to relationships, nostalgia, love, old friendships, new ones too, meeting people and relating to them.

its been awesome and (now that i've quoted min lets quote barua) here at the end of all things:D i stand alone, its time to move on and accept IITM as my beautiful tropical forest of a home (the most reassuring part is that i think i have!:D). i might get my own hillstation(punny?)... or i might continue to write privately for catharsis as CB and barua put it. but the goat's bleat of free uncluttered thought shall always resound on terra firma and beyond *grandiose as usual eh kini?* (oh that was my sub-conscious mind).

i loved writing for you all.. and i wouldnt trade the experience for the world. i just need solitude's earnings(that one was stolen from Pi). lol i'm such a great thief.

i bid you all adieu.
love
Kini a.k.a MGM a.k.a the wise goat

Monday, November 01, 2004

Just had an afterthought... a sunny one at that. to quote a friend of mine in IITM.

"oh balls! cha, whats the point with you screwing with your head. shut up and be happy."

amen bhide...amen!

No I Don't Have A Gun!

everything seems to be going well...
i went for a concert, met old friends and made new ones, heard abt the ones at home going crazy and having a thumping good time and have made some great pals in IITM. so whats missing? i dont quite know.
simple and trite as this answer is its the truth.

dont quite know how to place it. and i know i've been ranting on the blog about this rather pointlessly for quite a while now and the charade of making it look like real literature has been wearing thin with every passing post. i apologise for the gloss, but its an old habit. actually an inbuilt reflex if you may, business, showmanship all in my blood. a couple of things that i do decently well.

here's the deal...i'm stuck in a place filled with gifted mathematicians and people who are passionate about what they do...at least some of whom i've met are like that...i'm sure there are the ones that have no clue as to what they are doing and are just here cuz their parents told them they should get there...but then i think it'll be fair not to consider them cuz such people exist everywhere.

so back to this place i'm in. i dont quite know what it is...maybe its really as stifling as i make it out to be, or maybe its just home sickness and initial adjustment, or maybe i'm just a prick who cant be happy even when there's an amazing thing staring him in the face. the fact is regardless of the reason... the consequence (i.e the emotion of deep unsettlement) remains.

then there are the things i do well on campus...writing, literature generally, theatre, quizzing to some extent, talking to people mostly, playing basketball... here's the catch.. and this time as i promised myself, i'm going to be brutally honest. i'm in a branch called metallurgy and materials science and problem? i want chemical. the irony? i dont know whether it'll be of any use whatsoever in the future.. (i'll elucidate on that later) here's the issue laid very very bare (this constitutes emotional pornography) for a branch change, i have to slog my butt of for a good cgpa. and i hate being judged relatively...alright fine thats bullshit...we're all judged relatively. the problem is that i want to study when i want, do theatre when i want, be able to attend every practice session of the insti basketball team without fail and still do fairly well in the exams and at the same time not care about my cgpa.

yes yes i know i made abt half a dozen or probably more contradicting statements over there... but thats what i really want.. to hell with logic and reason.. happiness is what i'm looking for? arent we all?
and since its pretty evident that all that shit i wrote above isnt likely to happen anytime soon, its very likely that i'll be spending quite a while scratching my prematurely balding scalp (as i put it when i wrote in to another friend). yes folks.. there it is, i want to bake the cake, make the icing, have the cake and eat the bloody thing too... i want it all.. and i'm sicky of being guilty abt it.

now we come to the issue of why i want chemical. i've been trying to figure that one too and well i come up with a nice big list of so called "conventional" reason...ranging from i'm familiar with it cuz a chem engg was my roomie for 2 years and so i'll have an easy 4 years if i end up in chemical to the fact that my dad owns a paint factory and i've always been surrounded by chemical reactors since i was a kid ... yes this is all true, but bottom line is that the other day when i tried to give up on the BC thing, i went and sat in the lib in front of the chemical engg section and for no reason (remember i've let reasn fly out the window.. this is me..naked) i wanted that branch, i felt a longing, the air being knocked out of my lungs, the works.


i've always wanted to be a businessman.. the high flying, jetsetting, over ambitious son of a bitch that owns wall street. and i always project an inhuman almost obscene amount of confidence when it comes to that. but here's the truth (and i'm tired of hiding it) i'm scared.. shit scared.. i dont know whether i'm good enough to make it. heck i dont know if i'm any good with real money.. sure i know some management jargon and i can dazzle people for a while with the whole slick boy routine but i dont know if i'll ever learn enough and be good enough to get where i want to..


and here's the greater fear.. i'm scared i'll give up on the dream someday and spend the rest of my life in some half bitter-half hearted effort to "rise". i'm shivering as i write this, but i need my fucking therapy.. i'm sick of bottling it all up. i dont bloody know how to deal with it. i need help and i dont know what kind. i dont know whom to ask. i dont know if i'm alone, i care abt that.. i dont know why, sympathy, empathy, love, people's opinions, my dad and mum, my sister, ria...all of them matter to me. screw individualism i need people around me. i'm scared that by the time i sort this monumental emotional mess, life would've moved on and i'll spend the rest of my fucking life on some metaphorical empty highway with nothing to gain and no will left.

i dont know..but somehow if someone told me that all of us are as lost as i am.. it would make me feel better.. does that make me a sadist, a kill joy? i dont know.. but its the truth.

i'm breathing easier now... i dont know for how long, i still have to study, i still want good grades and yet not care about them, i still wanna play basketball and be able to see my angel whenever i want. impossible requests.. why the fuck do we make them even when we know we wont get them. god if you're up there and offer free therapy, this would be a great time to pay jamuna a visit.

the goat rests...for now atleast.
 

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