Thursday, October 28, 2004

Learn to be still

i'm back.

its been a while and well to be honest my head's been in a really erratic state of mind. trying to deal with expectations that didnt quite turn out the way i wanted them to and battles that lasted longer than i wanted them to. well to out it very bluntly,(i'm going to let artistic tendencies fly right out the window here and be very blunt about the damn thing) my head is shot to hell, i'm tired of fighting and having expectations thrown right back in my face and i'm back to the one thing that'll listen to me and wait for me no questions keyboard.

the thing is that when i came here there was a very strange touch of "not quite". for years i thought... this was it. the place, the home of heroes, my glory run.. the olympic torch..all the bells and whistles. but here's the catch..simply put. its "not quite" it. i figured, i'd get here and it would all be done for a long time (at least until i graduate). well part of the blame has to fall on the people who paint this place as if its the end of the world. bright people do live here... really bright people to.. the kind of people that you expect to get somewhere in life. but here's the catch. they push you to the limit before you go out there. you know that old corny saying "the strongest steel goes through the hardest fire" well surprise suprise...its true!

i wanted something... i thought the ordeal was over and done with in august when i got here. but right now after a lot of agonising and grappling with the whole..whats wrong? why don't i feel like i belong? why isnt it over? why is that feeling of "not quite" still nibbling away at me? i've come up with one answer. its a hard one to digest so its probably the right answer (thats usually the case). the work is never done, glory runs arent things that just happen after writing a six hour long phy-chem-math slug fests. glory runs are the results of a whole life's work. plugging away at a singular goal.. like a laser, unrelenting, intense and achieved only by those who realise what real hard work entails. i know this is pretty obvious shit and our parents keep telling us this. but like i said, its easy to listen to but hard to digest.

i've always wished for all that jazz! the works, comfort, learjets, lifestyles of the rich and famous (who doesn't?). but i thought i had a chance... but i never did until today. today was when it really hit me. if i want to take it easy for a nice reaal long time then the planet will run rings around my sun tanned brain. i will have a good time, but it cant cost me my work..i like working... but the trouble was that i looked at work like it was a chore. and heres the problem. when you look at something like its something mundane. you tire of it real easy and i guess thats where the mistake lies...two simple things.. very commonly fact my dad always told me this...but i always pushed it aside saying it was drivel.

1)enjoy your it like you love your life, because thats the one thing you'll be doing for a long long time.

2) dont assume things about life. those assumptions come back to bite you in the butt. same goes expectations..which are the worst kind of assumptions.

i guess now finally...i'll learn to be still. the eagles knew what they were talking about!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


Sometimes things hit you like a brick wall you've been running into all the time but didnt notice because it was all dark around you.. and then there's that moment when it all happens.. suddenly someone switches on the light you see the wall in front of you but its way too late. you ram into it with full force. the magnitude of the realisation hits you like a runaway train.. and then your left scratching your head wondering where the hell you were headed all this time.

then you start telling yourself that you thought it would be different. but then again there always was that little something in your head that kept telling you what you didnt want to hear. that this wasnt the end. that the culmination was waaaaay off and this was just a path, a tough one at that. something you'd have to endure to be branded as the best. suddenly you step back and take defensive measures and try to have as much fun as possible in the process. if you havent felt it yet... its quite a rush. Life, someone once told me...has much more to it!

"when rape is inevitable....lay back and enjoy!"
-R.D.Kini(a.k.a me dad!:D)

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